Being at war with yourself
One of the funniest things about us as humans, is the capacity we have to cause trouble for ourselves. Whether it be as simple as not thinking before we speak, to something more extreme like infidelity and deceit. But across the board, we have the capacity to land ourselves in hot water. What we do from there depends upon our level of self awareness, the code of morality we follow, and the people around us in our support network. So lets explore the topic, and how those components can help us get back to a ‘drama free’ existence.
One of the primary factors regarding self awareness and conflict, revolves around the ability to self validate. As we develop from childhood, we receive validation from our parents, eventually our peers, and in the ideal world, we then move on to being able to self validate. In this ideal situation, you are able to approve/reject thoughts and decisions based upon a solid understanding of your worth/self concept/knowledge of self within the larger macrocosm, the world at large.
When making decisions, you weigh up the good and the bad, the pros and the cons. You might seek advice from someone of significance, be it your parents, best friend or partner. This advice ideally aligns with your own decision, affirming your good choice. IDEALLY. For many people, as they develop, there might be a disconnect in the ideal flow of validation. Be it an unsupportive family or a lack of peer acceptance for example, which can leave some stranded at that developmental stage, seeking peer validation. This person has not moved on to self validation, and therefore is seeking their primary acceptance from their peers.
When it comes time to make a decision, their understanding of what is best for them, is perhaps very weak. This is then outsourced, and often to a variety of people around them. Both important people, and often people of little consequence. When you are fielding 30 opinions, with a good number from people who don’t know you well, care for you or have your best interests at heart perhaps, suddenly you potentially have 30 conflicting views, and no solid concepts to refute or accept them against.
This alone leaves us vulnerable to making unsound decisions, ones we regret later and cant quite pinpoint how we chose so poorly.
When talking about morality, it can be a shaky topic. In this instance, we are referring to the inner code which tells us right from wrong, in relation to us and what we know of the world. Each persons will be slightly different, as we were all raised by a variety of people, with their own code. Therefore, we all bring our own version to the table. With that in mind, if your inherited code is vastly different to others, you can find yourself feeling isolated from the broader peer group. Yours could be significantly stronger, or far more relaxed than those around you. I use those terms carefully, as terming right and wrong is dangerous. You might view monogamy as antiquated, and have experienced a wonderful polygamous home life growing up. This in turn will have influenced how you view relationships as an adult. To another person, raised in a devout and religious home, the idea of partner sharing/open relationships might be considered the end of the world. Yet neither person is right or wrong, they are simply following their inbuilt code.
Lastly, the peer and support network around us. The people of influence we choose to include in our lives, if any. For some, family play a strong role in their lives, and shape the path of their future. No decision is made without family input, be it good or bad. Others might enjoy a more autonomous situation, but then find themselves the one person upon whose shoulders decisions land. Each situation again has pros and cons, and coupled with the first 2 factors, help to determine our actions and ability to live in conflict with ourselves.
My three next posts will look at each of the above components, and how you can strengthen them if they need work, in practical and effective ways.
This post was written by Daniel Hollams, read is interview here